last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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