just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
