I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
