I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
