mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
