The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
