he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
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