You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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