Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Randomize
