She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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