chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
