i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
