life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
her vagine was all disorganized.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
