i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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