I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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