i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
