I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
