so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
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