Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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