Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
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In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
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I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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