you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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