If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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