You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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