Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
