this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
