you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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