Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
