It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I need to calm my uterus...
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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