We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.