12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.