I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
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We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
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I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.