Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
