why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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