shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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