i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
