i jhust puked up my retainher.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
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He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
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You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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