I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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