Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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