Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
