she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I lost the right to judge tonight
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
God I need to hump something, right now.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
