i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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