I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
