Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
