So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
