Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
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