can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Randomize
