Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
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