I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Randomize
