so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
