I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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