It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
