I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
