a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
