So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Let's get the cat blown out
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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