Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
