Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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