70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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