Dual....:-)
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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