i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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