Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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